bleeding

The following events took place on June 26th 2019, 3 days to my birthday. Enjoy!

…So here I am, all my intestines in the sink, the tap is running, my eyes are sweating…” “In engl please“, the narrator whispers to me. “Well maybe if you were a woman, you would know how it feels to be punished for not conceiving a child every month, but you don’t. I’ll come again. It’s the second time tonight I’ve run to the toilet to throw up. All the food which is basically the junk I ate for lunch has come back to haunt me. I can taste the enzymes and digestive juices which I learnt in biology as they pass through my throat.
Narrator: “I-” (pauses in disgust)
Me : “Oh so you’re disgusted? I’m telling you what happened to me for the sake of this book and you wanna act disgusted?
I didn’t think you were going to get into detail.”, he says while looking like a hopeless cat which has been rained on all night. “Well you see, I also didn’t think I would ever dread being a girl when I was 12. But here we are now. I would say I don’t deserve this kind of pain but that would be debatable. No one deserves bad things. You are not as special as they told you so stop saying you don’t deserve that when it happens to you. It’s the circle of life. Face it.
So are you saying that in that moment you didn’t feel the need to blame anyone?“, he asks.
No. All I felt at that moment was my life slowly fading away. The energy I had was leaving my body. I knew I was going to die that night. There was no way I was going to make it through all that pain. I felt happy for the moments I had shared with the people I loved. I wanted them to know it was good while it lasted. I was going to die in my bed. The least adventurous place to breathe your last. I accepted it. And I cried.
Narrator: (pretends to be moved by my words, looks at me in pity) “So what is the message you want to pass to the person reading this?”

I want them to know that I threw up thrice that night. In those three times, I saw my life flash before my eyes. I hated my body for being so weak. I felt disgusted and angry with myself. I want them to know that if they are reading this book right now, my body repaired itself. It healed. Just like it always has all those other months. I want women to respect and love their bodies because they are powerful. They are strong and if they needed a reminder this is it. I hope some day I get to help women with endometriosis, they have it worse. I want them to lead a normal life where they don’t have to go through so much pain every month. I want to talk to all the girls who have extremely painful cramps during their menstrual cycle. I want to validate their pain and I want them to go get checked. You surely should not be feeling like dying during every month. I want to talk to all the women who have never experienced the menstrual cycle. I want them to know that it doesn’t make them any less. We are in this together. And we are here to support each other through this thing they call womanhood. And to my 12 year old self, I want you to live your best life. The changes you are about to experience, will last a lifetime. It would be unfair to assume there exists only one gender. So, for the gentle- people, I want you to know that you can’t compare the pain we go through to anything. You have no right to say we are overreacting. Simply because you have not experienced this. I want you to educate yourself on menstrual health. You might be the only person a girl will have to ask for help during that time of the month. I want you to stop asking us if we are on our period every time we are angry or moody. Personally, I will slap you because you’ll have earned it. So let’s not do that. Most of all, I want you to respect women and their bodies. They go through so much you could never imagine. The least you could do is be there for them. I understand that all these may come off as demands. But it’s my book so I will say what I want. Do you get me?
Narrator: “Yes ma’am.”
That’s all I have for today. And goddamn I hope this book is worth all these sessions. See you tomorrow!“, I say as I see him off. I need a nap.

Can we all calm down. Okay thanks. I’m not in the process of writing a book just yet. But if I was, this is what a session with my editor would be like. Again, I’m not sorry for not posting. Life just happens you know. Follow my instagram @keshie_muchai. At least I’m more active on there. Okay bayii. Hope you loved this. I saw it in my drafts and laughed. I might actually write a book soon. Okay fr now, thanks for reading. BAYIIIII❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

keep going

image from Pinterest

Disclaimer: This is actually longer than I intended it to be but it’s worth it I promise. I just talk (type) too much.

It’s currently 8AM. My mom is late to work and she says “Tumechelewa leo!” (we are so late today). “No, me I’m on time”, I tell her as I slowly take my breakfast. These days I report to work even as late as 9.30AM. So, I’m in fact, not late. There is no such thing as being late to me these days. As long as I show up, I’ve done well. My life in the past few weeks has been a routine. It got to a point where I felt like I was living the same day every single day. For more reference on this, go watch “Stuck” on Youtube. It’s a show by Brat I guess, featuring some of my fav youtubers.

Anyway, back to me, lol. As I was getting closer to my birthday, the more I felt less like myself. I had a lot on my plate and I felt trapped in this routine life. It was a lot not gonna lie. I didn’t have a birthday celebration on that Saturday, the 29th. What I did get to see was my grandpa though, hashtag family things. It was a normal birthday, people call you, you get emails and texts, and your dad doesn’t know it’s your birthday. So that happened, I turned 21, wrote on my journal. Some private stuff I won’t talk about.

The next week though, everything changed. It’s like the universe was saying, you’ve been through a lot so I’m gonna give you whatever you want. That was a great week, I felt so good about myself. My relationships with people were thriving. My groove was back. Cancer season had nothing on me. Fast forward to the next week, which is last week. My friends (who I absolutely love) decided to surprise me for my birthday. I had a really good time and I have to say that no matter how emotional I was, I did not cry. And that’s how I knew, damn, you are actually 21 and not a crybaby anymore. That was a lie, the narrator would say. She cried that weekend.

It’s 8.17AM now so let me leave the house and I’ll continue typing in traffic. We’re back. 8.41AM. On my way.

The point of this post, was, there are good days and bad days. In both cases, nothing lasts forever. Even when you feel like life sucks and everyday is a bad day, just know it won’t last a lifetime. So take it as a process. In the worst case scenario, realize that everyday is a day closer to life being better. That’s one of the things that keeps me going. So what are the rest of the things that keep me sane?
Astrology. Omg you guys. First of all, I don’t care what you think about astrology and zodiac signs. It’s something I use for self realization and reflection. It’s like a game so it’s not that serious to me. It also helps me know why people act the way they do. Oh you’re being like that, yeah right cause you are a Leo or Aquarius. So yeah I’m deep into astrology, if you didn’t know, now you know. I’m one of those people, major Lol. I’m a Cancer (my sun sign) and a Pisces rising. Ignore this if you don’t know what that means.
Self – Care. I’m talking face masks, drinking water, wearing your fav jacket, unfollowing those you don’t vibe with on social media, spending some time alone, taking yourself out on dates, calling your friends when you miss them. All of that, do it.

Journaling. I don’t journal everyday, only when I feel like. Writing to me has always been therapeutic. Even this is. It’s a way of letting go and processing what you feel. Also, when you journal, you get to track your mood. You’ll also go back and see how far you’ve come from feeling like shit to wherever you’ll be then. I read the things I was worrying about in May and was like, “Poor child, everything is gonna be so much better really soon just hang in there.” So yeah, I would 10/10 recommend this. Journal if and when you can. Your mental health will thank you.
ERYS. Jaden Smith dropped an album recently. This comes after the album SYRE so you see what he was going for lol. I actually love this album (Elvis, if you are reading this, sorry not sorry for rubbing it in again). Willow’s voice is just angelic, the song PINK which is basically 4 songs is my fav. I also love Again, Fire Dept and Summertime in Paris. Go listen to this album if you love yourself, or not.
Youtube and Spotify. These have to be my most used apps. From watching my fav youtubers to listening to music, I get to escape from the real world for a while.
Reading. I recently finished reading a book I started in May. It was crime related – Thinning the Predators (Brian, if you’re reading this, thanks for the book). I’m about to start another book which I’ll tell you about soon cause I haven’t picked which one. Reading is like working out, but for your brain. 9/10 would recommend.
Venting/Ranting. It’s good to let things out some days. You need that friend or person who you can vent to about your day or week or whatever. Just make sure they are in the right headspace to listen to you. Not everything is about you lol. Talk about shit that’s bothering you. Even if it’s to yourself. Let it go. You’ll feel so much better afterwards.

I hope that helps. I know it’s been long since I posted. But these days, I just post when I want to or when I feel like it. Hope you loved this and I love you, keep going. Everything is going to work out okay?

strange love

Billie Eilish, also my wallpaper at the moment. Picture totally unrelated to the post.

Chimamanda once said that to be a good writer you have to be a good eavesdropper. I think this was during the 2019 Yale University graduation, I’m not sure go look it up on Youtube.

Well, I am a good eavesdropper. I’m the type of person who wears headphones but I’m not playing music, I’m just listening to what people are saying. Yeah creepy, I know. It’s part of me being observant. Too much about me.

Today I was in a matatu. It’s 7.04am, everyone looks tired and sleepy, we are all trying to get to work by 8 most probably. Life. I notice this young couple seated in front of me. Probably in their mid twenties and they are talking without a care in the world. Where people get the energy to hold conversations early in the AM, I don’t know. But the way this girl was looking at this guy, it reminded me of those memes which say “if he/she doesn’t look at me like this he is not the one.” I wondered if that’s how I look when in love. Do I look young and stupid in love? Because this couple surely looked like it. But not in a bad way. In a good way. Made me wish I had that for a moment there. They finally shut up and took a nap together. It was cute. Even their arguments before they slept were. I could tell that this girl had gone for a sleepover at this guy’s house the previous night. Normal relationship things people do.

I also met, well not really met, observed another couple in a matatu. This time I was going home. It was like at 3pm and very sunny. So they enter and sit across me. They were in their early twenties and I could tell that they were from school, campus that is. This guy was wearing a huge jacket, in all that heat. I didn’t judge him though. You know, Nairobi weather changes any time. You leave the house dressed up for winter and by 11 you are regretting it because it’s sunny and humid. Nairobi!

Anyway, after we leave this guy gets alcohol from his bag. I’m like, okay you wanna do that here? At 3pm? Yikes. So he starts drinking. Even offers the conductor a sip when he tells him to stop. They laugh it off and life goes on. He is cool about it so he is not really bothering anyone. Except the girl. This girl is bothered. You can see it in the stares she gives him every time he takes a sip. She is a little mad, they are not even talking to each other. As they are about to alight, the guy offers her a sip. She takes it and they actually kinda get back together. So, in my head I’m like, was she really just mad cause she wasn’t being offered a sip by her own boyfriend? Who she could ask if she really wanted to drink? They alight. After, you could hear some women who somehow judge people loudly make some comments about our generation. I was not shocked.

I have also observed other couples, even my friends. And everyone acts so different when in love. But they all have that weak spot for this someone. And more often than not, it looks stupid to others. Or cute, or childish. Whatever. So if you really don’t have that I don’t know if she/he’s the one. I’m not a love expert or anything but if we don’t have loud conversations in the matatu early in the morning are you really the one? In conclusion, I love watching people who are in love. It gives me hope that there is still some romance in this cold world of ours. I’m gonna take a nap now. Alone.

I don’t know what the point of this post was. My fingers were just itching to type. So thanks for reading me today. Bayii.

PS, the title of this post is a song and totally unrelated to what I write as usual. Strange Love by Halsey. Go listen to it. I love that song, like a lot.

pause

blue skies from pinterest

Sigh. You know how you get so used to one person until they become part of your life? Yeah then that person goes and you are left clueless. The first days are rough. You can’t do anything. You are sad. Can’t get over the fact that they are gone. Thinking of the possibilities that would have made them there if the universe could actually have time travel as a concept. Then after a couple of days you accept that they are gone. They are still there. But it’s just not how it felt anymore. You are growing apart. Each day, a piece of them leaves your heart. The part they occupied in your life is empty. The role they played needs a new person, lest you become lonely and die miserable. That’s what you tell yourself. Cause you are miserable. You did everything. Gave your all. For what? All these years. Time. Wasted. It’s over. And to think that it would affect you so much. The funny thing is that you were happy. There was hope. There were expectations. Promises were made. Heck, even the future was already written in your mind. Why? Okay so the void is there. I need to find someone new. I need a new addiction. A new obsession. A new thing to waste my time on, yet again. Just like you did. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m supposed to remember all the good times we had. One bad deed ruins all the good ones? Heck yeah. I’m done. So I find this new person. Finally a distraction from you. The thoughts. The feelings. I feel whole again. I am happy again. I have something to look forward to. I have hope. But yet again, when I’m at my peak, it all comes crushing again. I am tired of being disappointed. By shows. Yes. TV shows. Okay there are people who disappoint me too but what is it and TV shows you loved ending like you didn’t just spend time thinking of better endings? Was the plot really worth it? Are you gonna pull the its the means and not the end that matters. Bet. Anyway, I was talking about Game of Thrones incase you were wondering. Filled the void with Good Girls and the second season ended badly. Not what I wanted. But you know why I’m disappointed? Because I had expectations. Rule number 1 kids, lower your expectations or at least erase them while you can. For TV shows, HBO films to be specific. For people, men especially. Oh, is that some bias I sense over there? Yeah I’m not sorry. This time, I actually meant the bias. Just sharing because I care like Mahatma Gandhi said. Okay I’m gonna go now and live my life which seems meaningless at this point. What really was the point?

I am not going tò even start explaining where I have been. I was to post this yesterday since it seems like I only upload on Sundays. Anyway, I got preoccupied and here we are. I also need a new show to binge on so feel free to suggest some. If I only watch one episode of a show you recommended, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t great, it just means that I valued my sleep more. So, if you will, suggest something worth losing sleep over.

The title is a song you should listen to. Pause by IAMDDB. Okay bayii. Thanks for reading me today I guess. See you next time, bet it will be on a Sunday.

everybody dies in their nightmares

photo of the sky captured by Keshie

4 cups, I wanted
3 cups, I had
Stretched out for the 4th one, my hand was
Bowed down, my head had been for a while
I had 3 cups full
So I had no right to say my cups were half full or empty
They were not empty
But my heart was for the 4th one
I had worked for these 3 cups so hard
But now I had forgotten how good it felt to have them
I did not appreciate them at all
I was sad
And I refused not to be sad
Until I got the 4th one
Wallowing in my sadness, I surely did
Coming out of it, I did not
Turns out the cup I wanted was right there
Infront of me
Staring at me
All I needed was to look up
Look around and see it
It was right there
But I was close minded
And I missed it
I would get it eventually
But after a while
Time was wasted
Opportunities were missed
Tears were shed
Relationships were broken
My heart was wounded
In search of something
I already had
I had wasted so much time
Focusing on what I did not have
My idea of success was the 4th cup
When in real sense
I had already achieved so much
By virtue of having the 3 cups
They say the mind is a powerful tool
You better trust them
Because what your mind focuses on
Is what you become
The universe however has a good way of teaching us lessons
Everything is aligning in your favor
You just have to raise your head
And look around
All the answers you seek
Can be found
And life is going to be interesting
Once you stop becoming a miserable cow
So go out there
With your 3 cups
Those cups
Will help you find your fourth
Whatever it is

the title of this post has nothing to do with the post. It’s the title to a song by XXXtentacion (RIP X). I just was listening to it as I drafted this post. Listen to it sometime, or not. Also, my recent post “listen before i go” is a song by Billie Eilish. I feel like my posts are about to become song titles because I really don’t be knowing what to call what I write about these days. so, bear with me. Thanks for reading me today. And legit, I hope you find your 4th cup. See you on the next one!

listen before i go

hey quick explanation before you get into this. I wrote this on March 31st at 12.33am which is like a month ago. I just read this today and I was like “damn who hurt you?” I just wanna say that, a month later, I’m feeling so much better and I love you if you are reading this. I’m also sorry to my past self, sis was really going through it. Enjoy this piece of my broken heart!

Hello
Me again
Empty
I didn’t wanna go back here
The last time I wrote such an article I was really empty
So I know how that feels
But here we are again, yikes
I’m just going to type what I’m feeling
With no filters
No explanations
I feel like I push people away
I feel like I don’t deserve people’s time
I feel like I’m selfish with myself, my time and my love
I feel like I’m afraid to be vulnerable to people I know so well
I feel like I’m too self absorbed
I feel like crying, I am crying
I feel like I’m not grateful
I feel like I take people who mean so much to me for granted
I feel like a bad person
I don’t feel like I love me anymore
I don’t feel happy
I don’t feel like I’m doing enough
I feel so disconnected from people
From the world
I feel like I live in my head
I feel like the only thing that makes me feel is music
Billie Eilish to be specific
I feel like writing is my only escape
I feel like I over think stuff a lot
I feel like I cant be fully open without sounding like I’m asking for attention or validation
So I really don’t feel like I care what you think after reading this
I feel like I feel so much when I shouldn’t at all
I feel like I hate this post because even though I said the word feel a lot
I don’t feel anything good at all
I don’t know if I’ll be better
But I surely hate this
I’m not okay
I feel so scattered
Don’t say I’m all that matters
Leave me
Call my friends and tell them
That I love them
And I’ll miss them
But I’m not sorry
I wrote this
For my future self
Who will not be feeling like this anymore
When she reads this
I hope she will be feeling happy
I hope she will feel like she is enough
I hope she will feel connected to people
I hope she feels like she is cared for
I hope she feels grateful for moments like these
Where such feelings were so rare
I hope she feels happy
I hope you are happy

PS im gonna get back to my blog soon but meanwhile you can check out http://theanomalydiary.com where I’ve been doing some music reviews. ok bye thanks for reading me, yet again❤

wish you were gay

Do you ever just feel rejected? Not straight up rejection but the one that kinda builds up? I hate it and I want to tell myself that maybe they are just busy or going through it in this life. Or am I just a sucker for attention? Goodness am I actually a spoilt needy brat? Pretends to be shocked.

Not to be dramatic but I would rather choke than tell someone that I miss them. I’m also the same person that would triple text that person and directly tell them that I, infact, miss them. Yes we exist. Don’t even come for me (I cannot be understood by the human brain and that makes me nothing but special, my ego jumped out sorry not sorry).

When Billie Eilish sung “I just kinda wish you were gay… to spare my pride, to give your lack of interest an explanation, don’t say I’m not your type, just say that I’m not your preffered sexual orientation” I FELT THAT!!! (sidenote, that’s from her recent song “wish you were gay” hence the title of this post).

Not to be sexual or anything but I guess Billie was like “I think this guy is gay because if they were into girls they’d definitely be inside my guts right now“. Did that escalate quickly? Yikes.(What the hell was that Keshie?) First of all, where are guts located? And why do people say guts when we only have one? Is “guts” actually sexual or am I dumb? Oh wait, the gut is that whole digestive tract thing if my biology serves me right, honestly I don’t care but you get where I’m going with this.

I hate this ugh. I’m listening to the song right now. Do you ever feel like someone just gets you? I feel that right now. She (Billie) makes me feel that way. Because in all honesty, I don’t ever want to accept that I’m actually the reason why I would get rejected. It took me years to love myself, I can’t possibly go back to feeling like I’m not enough. For a person? Hell no. Not to be proud or whatever but like “why are you gay? you are gay.” If you don’t know what meme I’m referring to please just find your purpose in life first. If you know, you know. If they don’t like you, maybe they are just gay because like, why would anyone not like you? Anyway, feelings. I feel them, I write them. I feel better.

Also don’t you just find it funny how almost all my posts these days revolve around Billie Eilish. Lol we love a stan. I just can’t help it okay? I can be an emotional wreck sometimes if not all the time and she just makes me feel better. Yikes, I can’t believe I just stated the obvious, yet again. If someone doesn’t get me a hoodie or anything Billie related on it, imma get it myself. Oh wait, maybe I already did. But I’m open to more.

Catch me next time, I don’t know when, but at least now I’m fully aware that I have a blog and I should be posting content regularly.

BAYIIIII❤❤❤❤❤